Carefully careless

I think i used to blog better because there is more feelings towards things before.
Not that i dont feel anymore. i still do.
yet it seems there is no point to express these emotions any longer.
the avoidance of the unspeakable has already came to an end.
i automatically talked to him/her/it/me about a lot of things.
no secrets, only bits and pieces of this and that.
never is going any where.
we didnt even pause for a minute.
everything sort of move on.
and i know, suddenly, that we are not able to get back there ever again.

the moment your lips touched mine.
i begin to enter this "reality" with you.
this is a dream.
a real dream.
it was a world that exists only between us.
and then we part.
4 months later.
snap back to reality.
i need a whole new adaptation to this place that i once belonged.
"i used to live alone before i knew you".

i have difficulties going back there.
i cry a lot.
i break down and gone wild.
i got drunk more than before.
sometimes you were there.
most of the time you aint.

i miss the ether.
the reason to make things last.
the thing meaning life itself.
where is the unintended?
too many implications within.
let go and let live.
eraser moving to and fro.
but the traces remains.

open up.
letting in.
she told me.
"if you never let him/her in, you will never get hurt."
but still i spread my legs.
oh no.
that doesnt hurt.
everything else did.
though in a sweet and nice way.

she closed her eyes.
dreamt about falling from the 18th floor last night.
woke up in horror.
she decides she is tougher than that.

concealed revelation.
hidden truth.
the lies are part of my reality.
everything is the truth.
only if you believe.

the image portrayed.
all with intention.
not necessarily fake.
just an interpretation.
like everything else.
even the cat meows on the table.
the love is real.

"biologically sad"?!
just incapable to ignore sadness.
everywhere i go.
i see that.
confront the enemy.
embrace the ugliness within.

please have faith in yourself.
you are beautiful.
the graceful expression.
elegant motion.

accelerate.
pause.
decelerate.
stop.

follow your own steps.
run way.
from me.